The B.S. Diet
Everyone is always worrying about how to lose weight. Now, by the grace of what I will call Dog, sorry I meant God, I was given the fortitude to only eat that which my body actually needs. But I know that there are many out there without that gift. I understand and I am here to help you. Through a combination of serendipity and fortuity, I came upon the idea for a new and amazing diet that is guaranteed to cause substantial weight loss. I have decided to reveal this discovery to readers of this blog absolutely FREE. I want everyone to be able to share my good fortune.
Before I explain the details of this amazingly simple diet, I would like to tell you the story of the origin of this idea. One day I was sitting at home talking with two friends of mine. I will call them Jason and Beth, because those are their names. We were speaking about weight and its gain and loss and Beth said, “I saw a show on TV, it was a health show, and they said that there was a study that proved that if you put olive oil on your bread instead of butter, you would lose weight, because you would eat less bread.” Always trying to be helpful, I said, “I have a better idea. Smear your bread with dogshit and you will eat even less.” “Snork, Snork,” blurted Jason. Beth looked at me and said, “That is so stupid and disgusting.” Then she turned to Jason and said, “Why do men think things like that are funny?” Jason and I just wiggled our eyebrows at each other as if to say, “Who can explain the complicated workings of the mind of a human male?”
It was not long after that conversation that the idea of the Totally B.S. Diet sprang from my mind and was frantically scribbled on to any piece of paper that came to hand; equations, diagrams, health plans and success. This diet has everything. All that you, blog reader, need is a true desire to lose weight. You needn't force yourself to give up all of the delicious things that you love to eat. The diet plan does that for you.
Before I let you in on the secret of this totally fantastic diet, I would like to detail the great results that you will achieve. Remember this plan is absolutely FREE. When you start this plan, on the very first day you will lose 1% of your weight. Think of it. If you currently weigh 800 lbs, you will lose 8 lbs on the very first day. And you will continue to lose 1% of your weight each and every day of your participation in the plan. Now, you might say, “Wait, if I lose 1% of my weight every day then after 100 days I will weigh 0 lbs.” This is where the miracle of modern science comes into play. Many years ago Issak Newton, or someone with a name very similar to that, discovered what some might call the Law of Diminishing Returns. Newton discovered this law after reading about how Aristotle had solved “Zeno's paradox” using the “method of exhaustion.” Basically the law states that you can't get to zero by losing 1% of something, no matter how many times you do it.
This is the magic of this diet. If you would like to know exactly how much you will weigh after 100 days of this plan, take your current weight and multiply it by 0.99 100 times. You will be amazed.
Now is the time for me to reveal the secret of the Totally B.S. Diet. Remember, it is absolutely FREE. When you enter into the plan, you will be provided with a private suite. This suite will contain a king sized orthopedic bed (for the morbidly obese,) a full bath (with shower,) a butcher's scale, a Life Cycle with an integral 100 channel TV, a micro-wave, a fridge stocked with 365 large bottles of boutique spring water and a year's supply of take-one-every-day vitamins. The freezer section of the fridge will contain the key ingredient of the B.S. Diet; 365 individually wrapped portions of Brussels Sprouts. (If you want more, just ring the bell). The certain success of this diet is the nature of Brussels Sprouts. Who could eat them? My God, they are like pale green grunt balls. When you achieve your desired weight, just ring the bell and you will be released.
Remember, blog readers, the diet described above is Totally B.S.
