Uncertainty Index

It has been brought to my attention, through an off planet communication channel, that some brainiacs from Stanford and Chicago Universities have discovered the Uncertainty Index. I hear you say, “But that was discovered a long time ago by some German Guy!” Actually the German Guy discovered something different. He discovered the Uncertainty Principle which says that at the finest and smallest level of things, you can't be certain of anything. But at higher levels, as is well known, we can still be certain of death and taxes.

This new Uncertainty Index, which is not to be confused with the Volatility Index or the Pessimism Index, is a quantitative measure of the uncertainty in the public mind caused by inconsistencies in government policy. If you think that 'quantitative measure' and 'government policy' shouldn't be used in the same sentence, just remember I was not an English major. The gist of the research is that the present uncertainties in the near future caused by inconsistent governmental policies related to tax breaks and pork barrel handouts to special companies have caused American companies to hoard their unseemly profits in their mattresses and not invest them in the American economy. Thus causing the Great Recession. Or maybe it was the Great Recession that caused the uncertainty. I am not too certain about that.

The main positive result of this new announcement is that the pundits and comedians now have something new to talk about. The Republicans and their in-house comedians on the FiveFoxyFriends show claim that President Obama and his minions are responsible for the current uncertainty and the Great Recession. The Democrats and their in-house comedians on the DailyReport claim that it is all the fault of ex-Pres George W. and the current Republican led congress. Only history will tell who wins in the end; certainly not the American people.